


The Greatest Bastard

by nanifairy (ktwrites1530)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Based on a song, Binhwan - Freeform, Damien Rice, Fluff and Angst, M/M, more angst than fluff, non-endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-14 16:43:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18056243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ktwrites1530/pseuds/nanifairy
Summary: Hanbin has loved Jinhwan for four years, even if Jinhwan doesn't feel the same.But everyone has their limits.





	1. We were good when we were good

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt (and title) for this comes Damien Rice's The Greatest Bastard.

“Come on, Hanbinnie. This weekend.”

Hanbin didn't turn or look up at the sound of Jinhwan’s voice, because he didn't want Jinhwan to read his face. He tried to focus instead on fixing the papers that he was purging from the high stack on his desk. He was _this_ close to saying yes to whatever Jinhwan was planning this weekend when his hyung mentioned it twice over lunch and another time when they were buying snacks.

But Hanbin was also already too tired of saying yes to Jinhwan each and every single time.

Didn't Chanwoo tell him that he was always too available to Jinhwan?

 _Hanbin hyung, he’s your downfall, you know that, right? If anybody would put a gun to his head, you would’ve done anything—even sacrifice yourself for him._  

“Bin-ah,” Jinhwan said, resting his hand on Hanbin’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Come on. One last weekend—”

“Jinani hyung, I’m resigning from my job. From this office. I’m not leaving the country,” Hanbin cut in, shaking Jinhwan’s hand off his shoulder. He finally turned to look at him, giving him a forced smile before sitting on his swivel chair.

“Yet,” Jinhwan quipped, and Hanbin raised an eyebrow. “You're not leaving the country _yet_. You’ve gotten job offers from three different countries, and all the offers are very, very tempting to take. Hell, it would be very stupid of me to advise you to _not_ take any of those. So, who knows if I'd still get to see you as soon as you leave the doors of this company?”

“You will,” Hanbin lied smoothly, and Jinhwan grunted in response. _Am I still that easy to read as before, Jinhwan hyung?_ Hanbin thought. Before, Hanbin was told he was too transparent to Jinhwan, unable to hide his emotions to his hyung.

“I get this feeling that I won't. That the minute you leave here, that’s it. I won't get to see you, Hanbin-ah—”

“Would it even matter, hyung?” Hanbin said, his voice dead. “Our friendship was a friendship of convenience. We got close because of the long working hours here, but once we are out—”

“Jeez, Hanbin-ah. What are you even saying?!” Hanbin cut in. The rise in his voice caused Hanbin to look beyond him at the other cubicles, but their colleagues have their earphones on. That, or they choose not to hear whatever argument Hanbin and Jinhwan were having again.

Jinhwan caught Hanbin being bothered and sighed heavily. “Hanbin, you’re my friend. We’re friends. We choose that every day. It’s a choice that I make. That _you_ make. Every single day. And that doesn’t change when either of us leaves. You just don’t burn the bridge, Hanbin,” he said through gritted teeth.

 _I want to burn the fricking bridge, Jinhwan hyung,_ Hanbin wanted to say—he wanted to shout it out—but he didn’t. Of course, Jinhwan couldn’t know about The Plan, because he would hate Hanbin for it.

_Well, quid pro quo, hyung. Burning the bridge for my sanity. For getting back my life on track._

It was Hanbin’s turn to sigh heavily. “Okay. Settled. Not burning the bridge, coz we’re friends. Still… why the weekend away, though?”

Jinhwan looked at Hanbin like he was hopeless. Hanbin could feel his frustration, bubbling just beneath the surface. Jinhwan’s zen mode was probably close to zero right now. Hanbin has gotten pretty good at pissing him off.

“What?” Hanbin said, shrugging. “Spit it out, Kim Jinhwan, so that I could understand.”

Jinhwan took a deep breath and placed his hand on Hanbin’s desk, close to Hanbin’s hand. His thumb grazed the side of Hanbin’s hand and the younger one looked away. Hanbin bit his lip, trying to hold back the tears.

 _This is why you’re leaving, Hanbin,_ Hanbin reminded himself. _This is why you_ have _to leave._

“Bin-ah, hey,” Jinhwan whispered, calmer now. He tapped on Hanbin’s hand when latter didn’t react, and Hanbin let out a long, shaky breath.

_Shhh, just a few more days, self. Just a few more days._

Hanbin finally looked at him, raising an eyebrow as if in question.

“Hanbin. One last weekend. You’re the closest thing to a best friend that I have right now, and you’re going to go away. It’s not going to be the same. And…” Jinhwan paused, his voice breaking a bit. Hanbin opened his mouth, ready to comfort him, but ended up closing it again.  He was not going to put Jinhwan's feelings ahead of his again.

“Don’t make me beg, Kim Hanbin,” Jinhwan said after clearing his throat.

“Fine,” Hanbin relented, and Jinhwan winked at him, happy that he had won Hanbin all over again. He stood up and Hanbin turned back to face his laptop, clenching his fists at utter disappointment at himself.

“I’ll pick you up, 8AM on Saturday. Pack for an overnighter.”

“Wait, what?”

“Just in case,” Jinhwan said with a grin.

“First of all, 8AM. Are you even awake at that time?” Hanbin whined, and Jinhwan's grin widened. “And second, an overnight bag? Jeez, what are you planning?”

All Hanbin got in reply was a wink.

 _Kim Jinhwan_ , w _hat are you doing?_

******

“Hyung, this is already too much.”

Jinhwan pulled his car to a stop in front of a two-story brick house flanked by two large and very old-looking trees. As if knowing they had arrived, the lights switched on, basking the house in yellow light. The sky behind it was in a pinkish-orange hue as the sun had just started to set.

 _It was beautiful,_ Hanbin thought. _Today was beautiful._

But still, a part of him reminded him that this was Jinhwan—the greatest flirt, one who snares you in and lures you with his words and actions, and you fall—you fall _hard_ for him—and you can’t go back.

And then you realize—or he tells you—that he doesn’t feel the same. That he was just being himself, and he didn’t mean it for you to misunderstand whatever he was doing. So you blame yourself, for being stupid. That you misread the signs that he was giving, that you thought he was also into you. That you were special, when in fact you were just one in a bunch of ‘special’ other people. Maybe you were the most special one out of the bunch, but still, there were others, and it wasn’t just you.

Was it your fault then, if there were a lot of other people falling for the trap?

After that you had to go on pretending that you weren’t just let down, weren’t told that _I’d be lying if I said I also liked you in the same way_. You finally found your place—a **_friend_** —even if he keeps on doing the same things he did before that made you misread _everything_.

Until it gets too much to bear. Until it wears down your heart and your spirit, and it drains you. Until you lose friends—ones who couldn’t take it how you could stand by Jinhwan through everything, how you put him first, how you love him despite it all.  

It took Hanbin four years to be worn down. _Four frigging years_. 

 _This is why you’re leaving, Hanbin. One last weekend_. 

“Nothing is too much for you, Hanbin-ah,” Jinhwan said, and Hanbin sighed heavily. He wanted to yell— _SEE? THIS IS WHY I FELL FOR YOU_ —but he stopped himself.

 _One last weekend_.

When Jinhwan had picked him up this morning at 8AM on the dot, he didn’t want to spill at all as to where they would be going or what their activities were. They started a long drive, with Jinhwan giving Hanbin the free reigns to the car’s playlist even if they didn’t have that much similarities in music choices. Jinhwan had also prepared all of Hanbin’s favorite snacks and drinks for the drive.

They arrived three hours later at a popular theme park, one that they had went to before but they were with other people in their office. They rode pretty much all the rides they could in a five-hour span, even the rollercoaster that scared the shit out of Hanbin. What else did he have to lose? 

“Hanbin-ah.” Jinhwan’s voice pierced through Hanbin’s thoughts, and Hanbin turned to his hyung.

“You know, at some point, you’re going to have to let me shell out money for some of these. Hyung, this is too much. You’re spending way too much. I would’ve been happy even if dinner’s just at a simple sidestreet restaurant.”

“Nah,” Jinhwan said, releasing his seatbelt and doing the same with Hanbin’s. “It’s the least I could do.”

Hanbin bit his lower lip. _The least you could do for everything you put me through? For everything that I put myself through, all because I loved you?_

But he didn’t say it, opening the car door instead and stepping out.

Jinhwan rounded the front of the car and took Hanbin’s hand, leading him as they entered the brick house. Inside, they were welcomed with fairy lights lining the hallway leading to a nook at the end of the room. Rose petals on the floor also guided their path to the nook, as if the fairy lights weren’t enough indication. A fuchsia sheet was draped from ceiling to the wall over a candlelit table. A bottle of wine was chilling in an ice bucket, and a waiter stood next to the table, a ready smile on his face.

“Welcome, Mr. Kim Jinhwan and Mr. Kim Hanbin,” the waiter greeted, bowing, and both Hanbin and Jinhwan returned the bow. He helped them to get settled in their seats, and once that was done, asked them if they wanted wine.

The waiter left after explaining to them the five-course menu that they would be having. Soft music floated through the air, creating a calming, romantic ambiance. Hanbin stared at his wine, his emotions all over the place as to how this day was going. _What was this weekend for? Why is Jinhwan hyung doing this? This is_ way _too romantic for just friends._

“Hanbin-ah?”

Hanbin looked up, and Jinhwan had a worried look on his face. “I’ve been calling you for three times already. Where did you go?” his hyung asked in a soft voice.

The younger guy shook his head, forcing a smile. “Sorry, I spaced out.”

Jinhwan lifted his wine glass towards Hanbin. He held it up at his eye level, fixing Hanbin an intense look. “Let’s toast? To you—for being one of the best people that I know. You deserve all the best things in life, Bin-ah. Never settle for anything less than that.”

Hanbin clinked glasses with Jinhwan, contemplative. _That’s why I’m not settling anymore for your crumbs,_ he thought, and he shook that thought from his head. They were having a good day, and the pain and anger he had held on for so long and kept beneath the surface was choosing to show up on a good day.

Jinhwan reached out to touch his hand that was resting on the table, a bit wary as he watched Hanbin gulp down his wine instead of sipping it slowly. “Careful. Wine’s alcohol level is higher than your flavored beer of choice. Don’t want you getting drunk.”

Hanbin smirked. “You’ll take care of me, right?”

Jinhwan gave his hand a squeeze. “Of course,” he said with a flourish and a smile, and Hanbin expected him to pull back but he didn’t. Jinhwan held onto Hanbin’s hand, as he started to do a recount of today’s theme park adventures. Unconsciously, Jinhwan was rubbing his thumb across the soft flesh of his hand while he talked, sending shivers down his spine.

 _I love you_ , his heart whispered wearily, as he gazed at the man talking animatedly across him. Jinhwan caught him staring and he winked, and his heart fluttered.

 _Jesus, Hanbin-ah. Always weak for Jinhwan._   

******

_This wasn’t so bad. Good one, Kim Jinhwan. Why do you make leaving so hard?_

Two taps on glass door of the veranda interrupted Hanbin’s thoughts. He turned and saw Jinhwan smiling a wide smile from the other side of the door, holding a mug on one hand and a bottle of beer on the other. Hanbin stood up and pulled the sliding door open, and he stepped out.

“Hey,” Jinhwan said, handling Hanbin the mug. Hanbin took a whiff of it and it was chamomile tea, and he thanked his hyung before sitting back down on one of the lounge chairs. Jinhwan pulled the other chair closer to Hanbin’s and sat on it, as they lapsed into a spell of comfortable silence.

“I’m still burping dinner,” Hanbin said after a while, and he chuckled.

“That’s the goal, Hanbin-ah. To hear you burp loudly one more time before you leave.”

“Shut up,” Hanbin said, laughing, remembering that one time in all their overtime dinners in the past four years when he was unable to suppress a loud burp, and it cracked his hyung up so much. “You are never going to let me live that down, will you?”

Jinhwan took a swig of his beer. “Nope,” he said, still grinning.

There was this silence again, as Hanbin sipped his tea and Jinhwan drank his beer. Hanbin looked up at the night sky and thoroughly appreciated how distinct the stars were when you are away from the city lights.

And then he sighed, rather contentedly, and was surprised when there was a duet to his sigh.

Hanbin faced Jinhwan, and Jinhwan tipped his beer bottle towards him, an amused smile on his face. “Thank you, for tonight. For this weekend, really,” Hanbin said, meaning every single word, and Jinhwan shook his head.

“It’s not yet over, Bin. We still have roughly twenty more hours.”

Hanbin did some quick computations, and at that rate, Jinhwan intended that they would still be together until tomorrow night. One whole weekend together.

“Yeah, but still,” Hanbin insisted, brushing off that thought. “It was still a pretty good day, and I had fun.”

“That’s good. Anything for you.”

That caused Hanbin’s brows to furrow slightly. “Really? Anything?” Hanbin asked, and Jinhwan sat up straighter in his lounge chair.

“What did I walk into, Bin?” he asked, and Hanbin shrugged.

“I don’t know.”

Jinhwan surveyed Hanbin’s face, and Hanbin waited for his evaluation. “Bin,” he said finally after a few minutes. The tone of his voice told Hanbin he couldn’t decide what he wanted.

“You said anything for me. I’m assuming the offer stands for the whole weekend,” Hanbin started, and Jinhwan let out a nervous chuckle.

“What do you want, Hanbin?” he asked slowly, his voice low.

“Hmmm. I wonder what you can give,” Hanbin teased, and Jinhwan took another swig from his bottle.

“Jeez, Bin,” he said along with a loud exhale.

“Where did you mind go to now?” Hanbin asked with fake innocence. They laughed, because Hanbin knew where, but Jinhwan also knew the younger guy wouldn’t ask that from him.

 _I won't beg for that,_ Hanbin thought.

And then Hanbin turned serious. “I want answers. To questions that I’ve kept on asking myself for some time already.”

Jinhwan paused. “I suppose that’s okay,” he said, “only if I could also ask questions back.”

Hanbin pondered on it, taking a couple of sips from his tea before answering. “Game,” he said.

“You first.”

Hanbin gave him a thoughtful look, and then said, “Do you think we would’ve been friends if we didn’t work together? If we met under a different circumstance.”

Jinhwan _tsk_ -ed, gulping down the rest of the contents of his beer. “ _Wow_. Going for the tough questions right away.”

“Hyung, that wasn’t tough. Tough is ‘Did you really never feel any romantic feelings for me?’” Hanbin said with a smirk, and Jinhwan nodded his head slowly.

“I kind of expected the second question would pop up at some point.” He tapped the empty bottle of beer against the edge of his chair. “Anyway, first question. No, I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

Jinhwan’s brows furrowed. “Are follow-up questions allowed?”

“One follow-up.”

“M’kay,” Jinhwan said. “I didn’t think we’d be friends even if we worked together because you’d be most likely holed up some place else, hiding away from the world and not meeting people. You have an amazing personality, Hanbin-ah, and you have to share that with people.” He reached for Hanbin’s hand, patting it.

“So, in short, we won’t be friends because I’m busy being a hermit.”

“Yep,” Jinhwan said, wrinkling his face in that way that Hanbin had always found cute. “Wait, let me get another beer before I ask you my question. Want one?”

Hanbin nodded, and Jinhwan went back inside for the drinks. While he waited, Hanbin suddenly wished he and Jinhwan had more nights like this. They’ve had honest conversations, yes, but they had started to hide things from each other that day when they did the define-the-relationship. After that, there were topics that they avoided talking about, causing strain in their friendship. They had a before and after now—and he hated that.

It was one of the consequences of his asking of Jinhwan what they were, but he never regretted the asking part.

He regretted so many other things when it came to Jinhwan, but it wasn’t one of that.

Jinhwan handed him an opened bottle of beer and then sat next to him. “When did you realize that you felt something for me?”

“Jinani hyung, always fishing,” Hanbin said, rolling his eyes.

“Come on, Bin. A deal’s a deal.”

Hanbin took a swig from his beer, wincing as the bitter liquid slid down his throat. He never liked alcohol—one of the many things he and Jinhwan didn’t have in common. He held the bottle around its neck, feeling his face heat up. “You remember that night when we were seated at the front steps of the office, after a jog with the other guys?”

Jinhwan paused for a few seconds, as if trying to pull that memory from the depths of his mind. “Yeah,” he said. “We didn’t realize we were walking too fast and we got back to the office first. We were waiting for them to come back.”

“That night.”

“What’s with that night?”

“We were talking about very random things, hyung. Some of them we had already talked about before, like would you rather be blind or mute, lose your right arm or your left leg, Dara noona or CL noona…” Hanbin’s voice trailed. “I changed some of my answers for those we have talked about, and you point out that I did. That same night, when ordering dinner, you remembered I didn’t like onions in my tacos, and you had already asked for it to be removed. You remembered. You remembered the little things, hyung, and not many people do. Some just forget or gloss over it, but not you.”

Hanbin took another swig, and really couldn’t take the taste. He passed off his bottle to Jinhwan, who took it, a ghost of a smile on his face. “You should really stick to tea, Bin.” He chugged down the remaining contents of Hanbin’s bottle, and then stacked it next to his earlier empty bottle.

“At least you used to,” Hanbin quipped, and Jinhwan frowned. “You used to remember the little things. But… after a while, you just… stopped.” He couldn’t say that it was one of the things that changed in the After, because he was pretty sure he was the only one who classified things into Before and After.

“Bin…” Jinhwan started to say, but he didn’t continue.

“It’s okay, hyung.”

Hanbin started to rub his arms, starting to feel cold. He stood up and headed inside the apartment that Jinhwan had booked for the night, and Jinhwan followed. Hanbin flopped onto the bed, and Jinhwan pulled the comforter to cover him and keep him warm. Then the older guy settled next to him, and they both leaned against the headrest, beer bottles now forgotten at the balcony. 

“Have you ever wondered how it would be if we got together?” Jinhwan whispered, turning his head slightly towards the younger guy. Hanbin almost pulled back because he was too close. 

“Isn’t my turn to ask?” Hanbin whispered, and then he sighed, deciding to let it go.

Maybe some things were better off unasked.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Hanbin said, “I have. So many times.”

“And…?” Jinhwan prompted. His eyelids were fluttering, and his words were coming out slowly. The wine during dinner and then the beers had probably already gotten to him already.

“There were days when I think that maybe it’ll be wonderful, you know? Because even if we only had a few things in common, we work well. It’s not perfect, but it works. It’s a weird thing, but it works,” Hanbin explained.

Jinhwan moved closer, leaning his head on Hanbin’s shoulder. “We do, no?” he said, and Hanbin shrugged, and the older guy had to adjust his head again on Hanbin’s shoulder. Underneath the sheets, Hanbin felt one of Jinhwan’s hands patting the bed. Eventually, Jinhwan found Hanbin’s hand, and he intertwined his fingers with his. “I mean, no one ever thought we’d actually be close in the first place. But we work, Bin. It takes a bit of effort—which is okay since what relationship doesn’t take any effort?—but it works. We are _amazing_ together. We are actually… _yeah_.”

There was so much wonder in the way that Jinhwan said it that made Hanbin wonder, in turn, if it was only now that he had realized this.

Jinhwan gave Hanbin’s hand in his a squeeze. “And on other days?” he asked, making Hanbin frown.

“What?”

“You said there are days when you think that it’ll be wonderful. What about the other days?”

Hanbin sighed. “Well, we won’t. It’s our differences, hyung,” he began to explain, “that make it harder than it seems.”

“Like what?”

“C’mon. We had this phase that you felt it was difficult when I was showing that it hurts me whenever you’re flirty with other people,” Hanbin said, and Jinhwan nodded slowly.

“Yeah. That was a tough phase.”

“And then on days when I realize how much I am the one who cares more in this friendship. On the days when you’re just being so self-centered it’s irritating, I know that we are not going to work.”

“Hanbin-ah…” Jinhwan drew back and regarded him with a sad look. “I might not show it all the time but I do care. I’m just not as expressive as you are—”

“Sure.”

“Hey, that’s unfair,” Jinhwan argued. “We’ve been friends for four years, and I liked to think I took care of you, too. When you were unable to go to work because you’re sick, and I’ll take the day off, too, to take care of you. That time when you had to move apartments and—”

Hanbin placed a finger on Jinhwan’s lips to stop him from talking. “I said I cared more. I didn’t say you didn’t care for me _at all_. You did, and that’s why I fell in love with you.”

His directness surprised Jinhwan, who was speechless.

Hanbin was getting sleepy, so he removed his hand from Jinhwan’s and slid down further on the bed, so that he was lying on it now instead of sitting on it. Jinhwan mirrored his move, too, but instead of lying on his back, he propped his head on his arm, looming over Hanbin. He brushed the hair off of Hanbin’s forehead, and then he sighed.  

“You?” Hanbin asked softly. “Have you ever wondered about it? Ever thought what would happen if you and I would be together?”

Jinhwan nodded. “I have,” he said, answering almost immediately. “And I have to admit on some days, to me, it felt like we were... together.”

Hanbin gasped, and then narrowed his eyes at his hyung. “And yet you think I betrayed you for thinking this way,” Hanbin said, fake angry.

“Hanbin,” he said, “the way I feel about you… I’m confused.”

Hanbin smirked. “Ah, so you’re confused?!” he said, real angry this time. But since Jinhwan was actually so close, he said everything through gritted teeth instead of yelling. “How do you think I felt all this time? How are you confused by all of this? I’ve been clear with my intentions, hyung. You knew how I felt, and yet—”

Hanbin swallowed the rest of his words as Jinhwan’s lips pressed on his, taking him by surprise. Hanbin was unable to move or even close his eyes. The kiss lasted for a few seconds, maybe because Jinhwan realized Hanbin wasn’t reacting.

“I…” Jinhwan started to say, almost apologetic, and Hanbin raised an eyebrow in question. Jinhwan stared at him and he gazed back, involuntarily licking his lips that tasted of Jinhwan and beer.

“You can hit me. That was out of line. I’m sorry,” Jinhwan said when he was still unable to speak. Hanbin just stared, his brain telling him that he should do what Jinhwan says and push him off the bed. His heart was telling Jinhwan to pull him towards him and kiss him—kiss the _hell_ out of him—because this was what he had wanted for so long.

“Hanbin!” he said, shaking his shoulders, and Hanbin’s reflex took over.

He slapped Jinhwan—loudly, strongly, with all the energy he could muster.

Jinhwan’s cheek turned pink almost immediately, absorbing the impact of Hanbin’s loud slap. Jinhwan slowly turned his head back to look at Hanbin, a pained look on his face. Hanbin’s jaw dropped, as even he was surprised at what he had done.

And then they just stared at each other again, another stare-down—Jinhwan has really gorgeous eyes and an equally beautiful face. After a while Jinhwan rested his hand on the side of Hanbin’s face, thumb caressing his cheek, and Hanbin gave in.

Hanbin nodded, almost imperceptibly, and Jinhwan smiled a bit.

And then he lowered his head.

Hanbin was ready for it this time.


	2. But letting go is not the same as pushing someone else away

_Did last night just really happen? Did all of last night just happen? Jinhwan kissed me and I kissed him back and…_

_Full-on make-out session. For hours._

Hanbin and Jinhwan fell asleep around 4AM. Or slept, woke up, made out some more, and somewhere along the way, fell asleep again.

_I finally got to touch that heart-shaped mole on Jinhwan hyung’s cheek like I wanted to do before—I even got to kiss it._

Hanbin ran his tongue over his own lips, making sure they’re still there. They’re numb and swollen, and yep—that’s a cut on his lower lip right there, from when Jinhwan had bitten his lip.

_And what do I actually do with the arm wrapped around my waist right now?_

He could feel Jinhwan’s breathing on his neck, as the older guy had tucked his head between his head and his shoulder. Jinhwan was clinging to him tightly, body flush against his.

_Was this spooning? Or is this cuddling?_

“Hanbinnie…”

Hanbin flinched, surprised at the sound of Jinhwan’s rough voice. His breath tickled Hanbin when he spoke.

“You need to stop thinking. I could practically hear the gears turning in your head. Yes, last night happened. And no, I’m still here,” Jinhwan continued, pulling Hanbin closer to him.

Hanbin sighed heavily.

“What’s that for?”

Hanbin tapped on Jinhwan’s arm around his waist, and the older guy’s grip loosened. Hanbin was able to turn in his arms and face him.

And Jinhwan’s smile…

Hanbin’s breath got caught in his throat.

It was that same smile a few months back, when Jinhwan was sleeping in the office during one of their overnighters and Hanbin had to wake him up. Jinhwan opened his eyes slowly, and, upon seeing Hanbin, his face broke into this smile: the smile like Hanbin was the best thing ever that happened to him, the best thing to see first thing in the morning. That smile that was sweet, so sweet, and so sincere and simple. The way he was looking at Hanbin—

_This was the way that I wanted him to look at me before. The way I want him to see me._

“Jinhwan hyung, I—” Hanbin started, but Jinhwan crossed the distance between them again, pressing his lips on Hanbin’s forehead. Hanbin held his breath, and Jinhwan kissed him on the nose. The younger one closed his eyes, and then Jinhwan’s lips were soft against his.

_Was this going to be their thing now?_

Hanbin chastised himself. _How can it be a thing when he’s going to leave anyway?_

Jinhwan pulled back just a little bit, rubbing his nose against Hanbin’s, and Hanbin finally exhaled.

“Good morning,” Jinhwan whispered. “I am sorry about your lip.”

Hanbin forced a smile. “Are you really?” he asked, and Jinhwan shook his head, grinning. Hanbin shook his head, and then turned serious, “Hyung, let me go.”

That made Jinhwan draw back fully, a frown etched deep on his forehead. Fear momentarily crossed his face, then there was a hint of sadness and confusion in his eyes.

“I need to pee.”

Relief flooded Jinhwan’s face. “I thought…” he began to say, but he stopped, shaking his head like the idea that crossed his mind was as preposterous as saying that the Earth was flat.

Hanbin leaned in, pressing his lips on his hyung’s forehead. At least, even just for the weekend, he was allowed to do this. “That I was going to leave?” Hanbin guessed, ruffling Jinhwan’s hair so much that it made the older guy wrinkle his nose in annoyance. Hanbin wanted to say that he was going to, that he _wanted_ to leave _now_ , if he could, but it was already too late.

“In a few days, yes. Today, not yet,” Hanbin said instead. He tapped again on Jinhwan’s arm, and the older guy released him fully.

Hanbin was already three steps to the bathroom when Jinhwan spoke again. “Can you not leave anymore?” A beat. “Please?”

Jinhwan’s voice was just pure pleading, and Hanbin couldn’t breathe. He let the first of his tears fall.

Without replying, Hanbin entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him with a soft snap.

******

“Hanbinnie.”

Jinhwan was seated on the edge of the bed, still in his boxers, looking so fresh despite the wrinkled, white shirt, hands clasped in front of him. There was a serious look on his face, the kind of face that would ask you if you guys can talk.

“Hyung, perfect weekend, remember? We still have—” Hanbin paused, glancing at the clock by the bedside table— “fifteen hours to keep it perfect. No talks about leaving, no talks about what would happen after today, no talks about whatever this is or how you really feel or how I feel or any other bullshit.” Hanbin was surprised at how firm his voice sounded, considering he had spent the past five minutes crying hard into a bath towel.

Jinhwan gazed at him, and Hanbin could see that he was thinking—hard—about this. _Could he see that I cried?_ Hanbin thought.

And then Jinhwan nodded. “Okay. Perfect weekend,” he said after a while, and he held out his hand for Hanbin. The younger guy took a deep breath and walked towards him slowly, taking his hand when he reached.

His fingers filled the spaces between Hanbin’s, perfectly, just as how Hanbin thought they would. His hyung’s hands were small and locked quite nicely with Hanbin’s hands. They both stared at their joined hands, both unsure of how to proceed from this.

“Breakfast?” Jinhwan asked, his voice sounding a bit more hopeful than how Hanbin felt.

Hanbin nodded. “Only if you cook,” he replied with a genuine smile. “Because I think I want that breakfast in bed that you keep on telling me about.”

Jinhwan grinned mischievously. “Oh, _that_ breakfast comes with a hefty price, Hanbin-ah. Are you willing to pay?” he teased.

Hanbin could feel the blood rush to his cheeks, and that made Jinhwan’s grin even wider.

“Hmmm,” Hanbin said, feigning that he was really putting thought into this.

“Oh really, you’re not buying?” Jinhwan said, mock-offended. He pulled Hanbin towards him in one swift move and Hanbin ended up on his lap. Hanbin collapsed in a pile of giggles as Jinhwan attacked him with a barrage of tickles.

“Jinani hyung! Stop! It!” Hanbin screamed in between breaths as he tried to fight him.

“You’re not buying!” Jinhwan said, laughing, as he parried Hanbin’s attacks.

Hanbin kicked around like a little kid, laughing. He might’ve hit something because Jinhwan had stopped his attacks, letting out an “oof.”

Hanbin shuffled out of Jinhwan’s lap, standing up quickly. “What’s happening? What’s wrong? What did I hit?” Hanbin said, worry filling his voice.

“Balls,” he said, restraint in his voice as he doubled over.

Hanbin wanted to laugh but stopped, because he knew how painful that was. He reached out for his hyung, rubbing his back instead. When Jinhwan was finally feeling okay, he looked up at Hanbin, a pained smile on his face.

“That’ll cost you maybe thirty minutes of making out with me, on top of the cuddles and spooning which are the price of the breakfast in bed,” Jinhwan said, and Hanbin chuckled. He shook his head, and with a smile said, “Sold.”

“We shake on it.”

Hanbin offered his hand towards him and Jinhwan took it, shaking it for a bit. And then he flipped it, kissing the back of Hanbin’s hand, his eyes never leaving Hanbin.

_Oh Jinhwan._

“Cook now, Nani hyung. I’m starving,” Hanbin said with a sigh.

“Okay,” Jinhwan said, and he stood up. He tiptoed, pressing his lips on Hanbin’s temple before he headed to the kitchen.

Hanbin stared after him, as he happily pulled out the pans, the bacon, and the eggs. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he flopped back down on the bed, contenting himself to listening to the sounds of his hyung’s cooking.

******

_Hey. Where r u?_

Hanbin sighed heavily when he read Jinhwan’s text. It was already eleven in the morning, but he was still in his bed, feigning a bad case of headache. _A half-day sick leave was in order_ , he thought. He didn’t want to go to the office—not yet, anyway—because he didn’t want to face the aftermath of whatever that weekend was with Jinhwan.

After breakfast, they did stay in bed until thirty minutes before their check-out time, just talking about random things, making out in between, and Jinhwan getting his cuddle pay for the breakfast. After leaving the apartment, they headed to this popular restaurant up a hill, an hour’s drive from their cabin where they stayed. The restaurant was popular enough that you must book your reservation months in advance. Hanbin didn’t know what strings his hyung pulled to get a reservation from there—surely he didn’t plan this weekend months ago when Hanbin just only filed for his resignation last month?

When Jinhwan dropped Hanbin off, he kissed him goodbye—kissed him really well, like he wouldn’t be able to do so for his entire life—and Hanbin just sunk into Jinhwan, melting into him. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” was all Jinhwan said when he released Hanbin.  

That was their weekend—one confusing ball of clusterfuck.

_But we’d have to do the talk one of these days. And I have to go to work eventually, since it’s my last week at work._

Hanbin sighed, typing his reply to Jinhwan: _Headache. Be there after lunch._

He was going to bury his phone under his pillow when it beeped again. _Okay. Want me to get you lunch?_

That was weird.

Whenever Hanbin was late before, Jinhwan never cared to ask if he had lunch already, or if he needed Jinhwan to buy him anything. Maybe when you already swapped saliva due to making out, that changes things?

_No, I’m fine. I’ll buy before I leave my place._

******

“So, that weekend. _Really_ , Hanbin-ah?”

Hanbin sighed exasperatedly at Yunhyeong as the other guy slid his tray across Hanbin’s on the table. There was a judging look on Yunhyeong’s face that told Hanbin that the weekend he had with Jinhwan wasn’t a secret that he hoped it was.

“Jesus, who doesn’t know about that weekend?” Hanbin asked, taking one of Yunhyeong’s fries. Chanwoo arrived with his tray of food as well, and he was followed by Donghyuk and Junhoe, who bought Hanbin his food.

Hanbin wanted to go back now on his decision to skip dinner with Jinhwan, who told Hanbin to buy dinner for him instead.

“Anyone who doesn’t have an ear,” Yunhyeong replied, as Junhoe laid Hanbin’s nuggets, fries, and soda in front of him. “He’s been mentioning this cabin every once in a while today, and you posted a picture of a cabin that you stayed at. Plus… Hanbin,” Yunhyeong paused dramatically, “the way he’s looking at you.”

“I could’ve been there at that cabin with a different person—”

“Well, were you?” Yunhyeong butted in, malice thick in his voice.   

Hanbin rolled his eyes at him. Donghyuk was happily chomping on his burger, watching the exchange, obviously entertained. Hanbin turned to Junhoe, eyes pleading for help, but Junhoe just shrugged.

“Hanbin hyung,” Junhoe started patiently. “People can dot the I’s and cross the t’s, even when you don’t want them to.”

“ _And_ the way he’s looking at you.”

All heads turned towards Donghyuk’s direction, who rarely talked during dinners. He bit into his Big Mac again and gave everyone a small smile. “Just to reiterate Yunhyeong hyung’s point,” he said, taking a tissue to wipe his mouth when he finished chewing. “Last week he was looking at you like he’s sad that you were leaving. Because you actually are, Hanbin hyung. Maybe there’s a bit of relief, because you’re not here anymore, that you won’t be here to maybe hold him back. But today, he _stares_. He follows your every move and…” Donghyuk’s voice trailed.

“Something changed over the weekend,” Yunhyeong supplied. “Jinhwan hyung smiles when you do or maybe _because_ you do, and he hovers around you, like he couldn’t get enough of you.”

Hanbin pushed his food away from him. The thought that this was actually happening shouldn’t warm his heart, but it did. At the same time, it also bothered him—it was already bad that he was leaving with his heart broken, but leaving Jinhwan’s, too?

“Stop it, guys,” was all Hanbin could say.

“What happened, Hanbin?” Yunhyeong pressed, and Hanbin sighed.

“I don’t know,” he said, which made the older guy frown. “I mean, I know what happened. We had fun and talked a lot.”

“ _Talk_ , Hanbin? Just talking doesn’t do that,” he argued. “If it did, you know, you guys would’ve gotten at this point a long time ago.”

Donghyuk pressed his hand on Yunhyeong’s shoulder, as if telling him to slow down and take it easy on Hanbin. But Yunhyeong shook it off. He had always been the kind of person who gives it as it was and does not let anyone off easily.

 _Jesus, I am going to miss Yunhyeong hyung,_ Hanbin thought _._

Hanbin stared at his nuggets, feeling a lump rising in his throat. _How much of that weekend should I tell them?_

“Hanbin—”

“We made out, okay?” Hanbin said through his teeth, but he wanted to shout it out loud. To shut Yunhyeong up. To have the world know that he and Jinhwan did it, that it wasn’t just him thinking it. That his head wasn’t playing him and his heart wasn’t winning over his head all over again. “We cuddled. He made me breakfast in bed the next morning, and—” Hanbin stopped, sighing.

“So this whole change is penis-driven, is that it?”

Hanbin gaped. “I didn’t sleep with him, Yunhyeong hyung,” Hanbin said when he recovered. He leaned towards his hyung and looked him straight in the eye. “I could’ve given up the kisses, the make-out sessions, and the cuddles, but I won’t give that to him, okay? I like the guy—hell, we all know I love him—but no. Not like this,” Hanbin said, quietly but firmly. And then he sat back down, stuffing a piece of chicken nugget into his mouth.

The table fell silent for a moment, Hanbin eating three nuggets before Junhoe spoke. “So why did you do it? Did you do it to get back at him for hurting you?”  

“Jeez, people, you think I’m that evil?” Hanbin said, frustrated.

“No,” Chanwoo said firmly, before anyone else on the table could even reply. Yunhyeong, Junhoe, and Donghyuk nodded in agreement.

“I didn’t do all those things just so I could prove I can hurt him back.”

Yunhyeong crumpled the wrapper of his burger as he had already finished it. “But you just made things a helluva lot more complicated,” he said in a serious voice. “Oh, Hanbin-ah. He’s not going to let you go now.”

Hanbin smirked. “Yunhyeong hyung, Jinani hyung is an out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of guy. Just give him a few weeks and he’ll be back in tiptop shape.”

When Hanbin looked across his friends from where he was sitting and saw their serene faces, he knew they were also thinking the same thing.

******

“Hey.”

Hanbin was standing at his desk, purging and cleaning his stuff, when Jinhwan came around the corner, wrapping his arms around Hanbin’s waist.

“Hyung!” Hanbin gasped, breaking Jinhwan’s arms around him and turning to see if anyone noticed. It was late, and usually a lot of their colleagues burn the midnight oil.

But there weren’t any of their colleagues left.  

“Hanbin-ah?” Jinhwan said, cautiously reaching out for Hanbin’s arm. “I… wouldn’t do that if there are others around. I mean, I want to, but I won’t do that.”

Hanbin exhaled loudly, relaxing a bit. “Okay.” He forced a smile. He turned away from Jinhwan and went back to what he was doing before Jinhwan surprised him.

“Hanbin, is there something wrong?” Jinhwan asked as he occupied the seat by the desk.

“What do you mean?” Hanbin asked, not daring to face his hyung. It would be easier for Hanbin to lie if Jinhwan wasn’t seeing his reaction.

“I don’t know. I feel like you’re avoiding me.”

“I’m not,” Hanbin said, and even he could detect that he wasn’t convincing enough.

Jinhwan grabbed his arm and made Hanbin face him. “Hanbin, this is about the weekend, is it? It finally sunk in? But we do have to talk about it at some point.”

Hanbin leaned against his desk, sighing heavily. “Do we have to?”

“Of course, we do!” Jinhwan said, making Hanbin flinch because of the rise in his voice. “Hanbin-ah, last weekend was… something. I’m not sure what it was, but it was something.”

“Hyung,” Hanbin said, pinching the bridge of his nose, “that weekend was a mistake.”

_“What?”_

“I am leaving, you know. And not just this company. You said so yourself—I have offers from three different countries. Can you see why it was a mistake? We are not going to get anywhere, hyung—”

Jinhwan stood up and even if he was smaller than Hanbin he looked like he was going to tower above him. “And you know that how, huh, Hanbin? How do you know that we’re not going to get anywhere?” he said angrily. He took three deep breaths and then spoke again, calmer this time. “Isn’t this what you want, Hanbin? Us together? If it’s the distance you’re worried about, you don’t have to. There’s technology available and—”

“No, Kim Jinhwan,” Hanbin cut in, sounding weary. “Even with that, I won’t be able to trust you.”

“Won’t be able to trust me?!” Jinhwan repeated, the sheer incredulousness what Hanbin was saying showing on his face.

“Yes!” Hanbin said, his voice rising as well. “You with your flirtatious tendencies. Jesus, hyung, you flirt with everyone—”

“That again, huh?” Jinhwan said, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. “Hanbin-ah, that is who I am. I am comfortable with people. I like dealing with people. You can’t fault me for that. And if you can’t accept that…” His voice trailed.

Hanbin smirked. “I accepted it, hyung. I think I actually gotten pretty used to you being close and/or flirting with other people that I am just numb to it,” Hanbin said, and Jinhwan glared at him.

“ _I am not flirting._ ”

Hanbin shrugged, turning away. _Go ahead, Jinhwan hyung. Deny it all you want._ He took the pile of _for shredding_ papers and went to deposit them in the bin of the department’s executive secretary, who will take care of the disposal of the papers.

“Hanbin-ah, when I’m in a relationship, I am loyal.”

Hanbin was putting a note on the pile when Jinhwan spoke, making the younger one jump. His note was ruined, so he crumpled the post-it. He turned and saw Jinhwan leaning against the wall, a serious look on his face.

“Well,” Hanbin began, licking his lips, his tongue touching the cut that Jinhwan left from the weekend, “we are not in a relationship.”

Jinhwan’s jaw dropped, and Hanbin took a slight pride in his ability to still surprise him. Hanbin finished his note and was about to walk past Jinhwan when the latter grabbed him by the arm.

“Hanbin, I am trying to establish that we’re going to get there. I am _trying_ to get us there,” he pressed. “So tell me: why don’t you want this to work? Why are you making it hard?”

“Because this isn’t what I want anymore, Jinhwan hyung!” Hanbin yelled, and Jinhwan released Hanbin’s arm. “I am supposed to leave. And when I do—” Hanbin stopped, catching himself before he would say something that he could regret.

“And when you do, _what_ , Hanbin?” he shouted back. “You think I didn’t know about the plan? You think I didn’t know that I was the reason why you wanted to leave?”

Hanbin gaped at him, unable to speak. Jinhwan glared at him, and Hanbin shook his head. “You’re giving yourself too much credit, hyung. You’re just _one of_ the reasons why I want to leave. Not _the_ only reason,” Hanbin said when he recovered. Jinhwan scowled at him, and Hanbin took that as an opportunity to walk past him, taking angry steps back to his cubicle.

“Kim Hanbin!” Jinhwan yelled after him.

When Hanbin turned at his heel, Jinhwan was just a few steps behind him. “Why did you do all of those? Why did we go through that kind of a weekend?” Hanbin said angrily.

Jinhwan stopped in his tracks, looking defeated. “Because I didn’t want to lose you, Hanbin.”

“You didn’t want to lose your unlimited ego-booster, Jinhwan hyung. That’s what you didn’t want to lose,” Hanbin spat, and Jinhwan narrowed his eyes at him.

“That’s a lie—”

“Is it, really? You tell me that you didn’t keep me around because I was good for your ego? I was your lapdog, hyung! I was good at it. So even if it was hard for you to string me along, to sometimes even stomach being around me, you did, huh? You did it because I was stroking your ego in all the right places,” Hanbin continued. He was poking the bear, daring it to attack.

And it did.

“I kept you around because you were my friend, Hanbin!” Jinhwan yelled. He took a deep breath before speaking again, calmly but sternly this time. “I kept you around because I love you. I love you, Kim Hanbin. I am in love with you.”

Hanbin brushed the tears that he didn’t know had fallen already from his cheeks. Those were the words that he wanted to hear from Jinhwan a long time ago. If this happened before, these words from Jinhwan would make Hanbin do cartwheels and would put him in cloud nine.

“It doesn’t matter if you do. I am already gone, hyung,” Hanbin said, choking back a sob. “You lost me a long time ago.”

Jinhwan shook his head, and then he reached for Hanbin, holding Hanbin’s hands in between his. “I will bring you back. I will do anything, Hanbin—”

“Jinhwan hyung, please. There’s nothing you can do.”

Confusion marked Jinhwan’s face. “I… I don’t get it,” he said, still not letting go of Hanbin’s hands. “I got here, Bin-ah. I got to the point where you want me to be. I—”

“You got to the point where I want you to be, but I already left it,” Hanbin cut in. “Hyung, I was there, ready to love you. I loved you for a while, even if it was apparent that you weren’t going to love me back—”

Hanbin stopped because Jinhwan was shaking his head repeatedly. “Hanbin, you know this already. We talked about this. I was there but I was scared—”

“Fuck being scared, Jinhwan hyung! Look where it got us!” Hanbin said, removing his hands from Jinhwan’s. “I was there, I held on, fucking scared most of the time because I wonder, every single day, if you are going to hurt me that day, and if it would be the kind of pain that would end me. And even on the days that hurt I held on, hyung. I held on. But then I got tired. I am tired.” A sob escaped Hanbin’s lips. “Loving you is so tiring, Kim Jinhwan.”  

Jinhwan ran his hands over his face, as if washing it underwater. “Hanbin…” he whispered. When the older guy emerged from his hands, tears had already stained his cheeks. This was another night of firsts—Jinhwan saying he loves Hanbin and his crying (“Real men don’t cry,” Jinhwan said).

Jinhwan reached again for Hanbin, and Hanbin let him take his hand. They walked towards the seats in the lobby, sitting next to each other. They stayed silent, hands intertwined. Tears were still falling from Hanbin’s eyes, and he was trying not to break down in sobs.

When Hanbin glanced at Jinhwan, the latter was just staring at the painting hung at the wall across them. Jinhwan squeezed his hand, and Hanbin closed his eyes. The older guy leaned his head on Hanbin’s shoulder, and Hanbin pulled his legs up on the chair.

After a while, Jinhwan moved, shifting their positions. He placed his arm over Hanbin’s shoulder, tucking the younger guy under his arm. They stayed that way for another minute or two, before Jinhwan broke the silence.

“What do we do?” Jinhwan asked, his voice thin. He kissed Hanbin on the hair.

Hanbin sniffled. “You let me go.”

“Not an option.”

Hanbin sat up straighter, looking at Jinhwan. “It _is_ an option, hyung,” Hanbin said firmly. “I’m not saying that you let me go forever—Jinhwan hyung, _please_ ,” Hanbin pressed firmly, when Jinhwan looked like he was going to argue against it again. “I have to do this. I need to do this for myself. Let me love myself, hyung. I put you first so many times. I need to love _me._ Let me put myself first this time.”

Jinhwan stared at Hanbin. Hanbin wasn’t sure what his hyung was looking for or what he wanted to see, but Hanbin stared back at him. And then Jinhwan leaned in, pressing his lips on Hanbin’s forehead. “Okay,” he whispered. He kissed both of Hanbin’s cheeks, whispering ‘okay’ again with slightly more conviction.

A light kiss on the nose and an even stronger ‘okay’ came next.

“Don’t,” Hanbin whispered, knowing very well what his next move was. Jinhwan smiled sadly, pressing his lips on Hanbin’s, soft but restrained, bittersweet.

“Okay,” Jinhwan whispered when he released Hanbin’s lips.

“Thank you,” Hanbin replied softly. Jinhwan gave Hanbin’s hand in his another squeeze and then he stood up, pulling Hanbin along with him.

“I have conditions,” Jinhwan said as they walked back to Hanbin’s cubicle.

Hanbin frowned at him. “I’m not sure if you are actually in a position to even have conditions, Kim Jinhwan. This is my parade—not yours.”

Blood rushed to Jinhwan’s cheeks, and he looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar as he scratched his head. “I know, but…” he said, hesitant.

“But what?”

“It’s like _Hansel and Gretel_ , Hanbin-ah.”

Hanbin’s frown went deeper. “ _Huh_?”

Jinhwan regarded Hanbin with a look that the latter knew from before—the one where he was shy about what he was saying but he’ll go through with it anyway because this was Hanbin he was talking to. “I sort of want you to leave crumbs. I’m not sure if it’s so that you can find your way back to me or so I could find you again once you’re ready, but I want you to leave crumbs,” Jinhwan said, releasing Hanbin’s hand.

They finally reached Hanbin’s cubicle, and Jinhwan took his seat while Hanbin went back to packing my things.

“Can crumbs be digital crumbs? You’re in all of my social media, hyung.”

“I got the sense you’ll be blocking me or something when you leave. And I mean, if you want to be okay about what I’ve put you through and all that shit, you wouldn’t want to talk to me, right?”

Hanbin nodded slowly. “Right on the second part. Blocking you, not so much. Maybe I’ll hide you and mute you, but not block you,” he said, smiling a bit.

Jinhwan rolled his eyes. “Bin,” he said, “Just leave crumbs.”

Hanbin regarded him, thoughtful. “I still don’t know what you mean, but hyung, I’ll do what I do. If it’s crumbs to you, then okay. If it’s not, well… I’m sorry,” Hanbin said. “I’m just thinking for myself right now. What would be good for me. And maybe that’s not what you like or what would also be okay with you—”

Jinhwan stood up quickly, cutting Hanbin’s words off with a kiss, making Hanbin close his eyes. “Okay,” he said when he released Hanbin’s lips. He pressed his forehead against the taller guy’s chest, sighing heavily. “God, Hanbin-ah. How did I end up hurting you this much?”

Hanbin cupped his hyung’s cheek in his hand. He stared into Jinhwan’s eyes, which was full of fear and uncertainty, whispering, “Truth sucks.”

When Hanbin pulled back, there was a sad smile on Jinhwan’s face. He nodded once, re-taking his seat and fishing for his phone in his pocket.

Jinhwan stayed there, waiting and watching as Hanbin finished packing his things.


	3. You helped me learn how to forgive

Hanbin was nervous.

This was the first time in two years that he was visiting the company where he used to work—where he used to work and where Jinhwan was still working—and when Jinhwan was sure to be there. He was smart—he had scheduled his past three visits to the company when he was sure Jinhwan wasn’t going to be there. Always at the time of Jinhwan’s birthday, when everyone was mandated by their company to take their birthday leaves, no matter what day of the week it was.

Hanbin wasn’t sure if he could do it yet—to finally see Jinhwan after what happened just when he left. The first year that Hanbin chose Cambodia as his new home, it was radio silence between him and Jinhwan. The second year was better—they had talked sporadically, their conversations peppered around occasions like each other’s birthdays and Christmas and New Year’s. Hanbin wasn’t sure if the other ‘crumbs’ that he had left were enough for Jinhwan to go on for—or if the other guy was still waiting.

 _Oh god, I hope he’s not waiting_.

To Hanbin, two years was a long period to get over someone. But then again who has set the mandate as to when you were supposed to be okay after having your heart broken? These things take time. Finding yourself again after you gave all of it away to someone would take time. Learning to love yourself again after choosing to neglect it in favor of someone you love would take time.

And now Hanbin’s okay. And he had wanted to see Jinhwan for two reasons: to check if how the man he had loved so much was doing, and to see if he _really_ was fine. A test of sorts, to see if his heart would still ache or jump when he sees Jinhwan.

“Hanbin-ah!”

Hanbin turned, seeing the guys flood in one after the other into the restaurant at the rooftop of their office building. They had asked for a place that was nearby because they had some deadline to chase, but they would spare an hour or two to catch up with Hanbin.

Yunhyeong came in first, followed by Donghyuk, Chanwoo, and Junhoe. They were wearing big smiles on their faces as they pulled Hanbin towards them, giving him tight hugs and pats on the back.

“You look well,” Yunhyeong said, and Hanbin grinned at him.

“Yeah, hyung. You look fresh!” Donghyuk added. They sat back down, and the waiter came around to get their orders.

“Jinhwan hyung’s coming,” Chanwoo supplied, as if answering Hanbin’s unspoken question. The maknae must have caught Hanbin glancing at the door for the third time. “He was just talking to the boss, but he told us he would follow.”

Hanbin just shrugged, paying attention to his friends at the table. They started to give Hanbin the low-down on what he had missed: Chanwoo was dating now, Yunhyeong’s relationship with his girlfriend Daisy was going strong, Junhoe was going to be promoted, and Donghyuk was planning to leave the company.

“Well, you know what they say, Donghyuk. Until I see the resignation letter filed and until you finally leave those doors, it’s not real,” Hanbin teased. It had been a joke among them already, since everybody had said at one point every quarter that they have plans to leave.

Hanbin was the first one who really pushed through with it.

The drinks have arrived, and they were starting to catch up with Hanbin’s life overseas when Jinhwan arrived, heading for the empty seat next to Hanbin. The table lapsed into an awkward silence, as if everyone was wary of this seating arrangement and the situation.

Hanbin turned to Jinhwan, giving him a small smile as he stood up. His heart didn’t flutter, and the nervousness he felt earlier from meeting Jinhwan had faded. _Maybe he was fine?_ he thought. “Hey hyung. You look super stressed,” came Hanbin’s greeting.  

Jinhwan looked flustered, rolling his eyes. “We haven’t seen each other in a long while and that’s how you greet me,” he said, his tone teasing. He opened his arms and Hanbin nodded, stepping inside his hyung’s arms for a hug. He was expecting it to be short, but Jinhwan held on, causing Hanbin to freeze for a few seconds.

Then he relaxed in Jinhwan’s arms, wrapping his arms around Jinhwan and swaying him for a bit before releasing him.

They sat back down, and the table—who was watching the entire exchange—suddenly averted their gazes. Hanbin and Jinhwan both shook their heads, and it was Hanbin who first spoke. “Guys, we’re good, okay? No need to tread carefully because Jinhwan hyung and I are not landmines together.”

That seemed to ease the tension out, and they returned to the happy chatter that they had before Jinhwan arrived. Their food came, and Hanbin had almost forgotten that he was seated next to Jinhwan—one of the reasons he had left the company and the country for—because he was surrounded by his friends.

An hour into the dinner, Yunhyeong, who was seated next to Hanbin, nudged him. “You know, there’s a guy at the bar who’s been watching us for the past five minutes. Do you know him?”

Hanbin turned, eyes moving towards the direction that Yunhyeong pointed out. Hanbin’s jaw dropped, feeling like ice water was dropped on top of his head, when he realized who it was, and Yunhyeong caught the reaction.

“Okay, you know him.”

“J-just give me a minute,” Hanbin said, standing up quickly that it also startled Jinhwan, whose chair was very close to Hanbin’s.

Jinhwan grabbed Hanbin’s arm just before he turned to leave. “Hanbin? Are you okay?” he said, concern evident in his voice. “Yeah, just… give me a moment.” Jinhwan didn’t release him yet, inspecting Hanbin’s face, and Hanbin took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.

And then he smiled again, this time a genuine smile. “I’m fine. Promise. I think I just saw someone I know at the bar, so…”

“Oh, okay,” Jinhwan said, releasing him. Hanbin could still feel not just Jinhwan’s eyes on him but the rest of the guys’ as he walked towards the guy at the bar that Yunhyeong had pointed out.

They all faded away, however, when he saw the man smiling at him, giving him his favorite smile.  

“What in the world are you doing here?” Hanbin said, and the man stood up, pulling him into a tight hug. The man tucked his chin between Hanbin’s neck and shoulder, closing his eyes as Hanbin wrapped his arms around him, too.

Hanbin sighed into the hug, all the tension that he had felt since the moment he had landed and knew he was going to have this dinner with Jinhwan releasing from his body. He inhaled the man’s familiar scent—a very slight hint of sweat and mint and aftershave.

“Jiwonie…”

Hanbin released the man he called as ‘Jiwonie,’ but kept his arm on the guy’s shoulder. “I’m serious, hyung. What are you doing here?”

“Well,” Jiwon started, scratching his head like it seemed pretty silly now, the reason he was there, “I came for moral support. I wasn’t sure if you’ll be okay once you see him.”

Hanbin couldn’t help but smile, his cheeks almost bursting at how wide his smile was. It exposed the dimples on his cheeks, which made Jiwon brush the thumb over the right dimple affectionately.

“You flew all the way from Phnom Penh for moral support,” Hanbin repeated, and Jiwon nodded.

“I hope that’s fine,” Jiwon said. “I was trying to hide but one of your friends spotted me—” Jiwon paused to sigh. “I’m sorry, this sounded like a great grand gesture in my head when I booked the impromptu flight, but now that I’m standing here, it sounds super silly. I’m sorry, Hanbin-ah.”

“Shh, hyung, stop,” Hanbin quipped, giving Jiwon an assuring squeeze on the shoulder. “I think we have to sharpen your stalking and spying skills, but no harm done.”

Jiwon laughed, shaking his head. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

Hanbin winked. “I’ve been told quite a lot lately,” he replied, “by you.” He shifted his hand, and it was now resting on Jiwon’s nape, his fingers starting to play with the Jiwon’s hair. “You want to meet my friends?” he said, his tone light.

Jiwon didn’t manage to hide the shock on his face. It was part of the long list of topics they had discussed before Hanbin left Phnom Penh: if Hanbin wanted Jiwon to come with him, and if he did, would it be okay if Jiwon met Hanbin’s family and friends, if he felt like he was ready to finally meet Jinhwan in person after the longest time… and what seeing Jinhwan and the effect of Hanbin seeing the man he loved deeply meant for both of them.

Their relationship was fairly new after all—it’s only been three months since Hanbin said yes to Jiwon, after a full year of courtship and breaking down all the walls that Hanbin had put up. Jiwon didn’t shy away from telling Hanbin that it scared him a bit that he was going to see Jinhwan, and Hanbin, in not so many words but in many kisses, told him that he was pretty sure he wasn’t going back to Jinhwan.

“It’s okay. I’m here. I’ll be your lifeline. I’m not going to throw you to the wolves and leave you there by yourself,” Hanbin assured him.

Jiwon looked straight into Hanbin’s eyes. “Binnie, are you sure?” he confirmed, and Hanbin nodded.

“Let’s go.” Hanbin offered his hand, and Jiwon took it.

“Jesus, I didn’t even fix myself. I don’t even look decent enough,” Jiwon said as Hanbin led the way back to the table.

“Luv, you look amazing, so please stop fussing,” Hanbin said, shaking his head, laughing. They finally reached the table, and the chatter stopped at that instant.

Hanbin scoffed. “Come on, guys. Let’s stop pretending you weren’t all watching.” He placed an arm over Jiwon’s shoulder, and then regarded the table, “This is Jiwon hyung, my boyfriend.”

A soft hush went over the table, and Hanbin could swear that you could hear a pin drop even if there was music playing in the restaurant. He saw the glance that Junhoe gave Jinhwan, who Hanbin purposefully wasn’t looking at.

But he could feel it—Jinhwan’s stare. _Or was it a glare?_

Yunhyeong recovered first, standing up and offering a hand towards Jiwon’s direction. “Nice to meet you, Jiwon.” Jiwon took the proffered hand and shook it, and Yunhyeong nodding, as if in approval, seemed to get the other guys to stand up to greet Jiwon.

All except Jinhwan.

Hanbin finally mustered the courage to look at Jinhwan. It wasn’t a stare or a glare—it was a look of betrayal.  As soon as Hanbin saw it, Jinhwan blinked, and the look was gone. He watched as Jinhwan nodded slowly, as if in understanding, and then exhaled loudly.

Jinhwan stood up, and by the time he did, everyone else had greeted Jiwon.

“Hey,” Jinhwan croaked. He cleared his throat and restarted. “Hey, I’m Jinhwan,” he said, his voice more stable this time.

Jiwon had an easy smile on his face, offering a hand towards Jinhwan. They shook hands, both of their grips firm. They released each other’s hands after a few shakes, and Hanbin exhaled the breath he was holding in.

The others sat back down—all except Jinhwan, Hanbin, and Jiwon. There were only two seats left—Hanbin’s and Jinhwan’s original seats. Yunhyeong made a motion to get another chair for Jiwon but Jinhwan stopped him with a sharp shake of his head.

“It’s fine,” Jinhwan said. “Take my seat. I need to get some air anyway.”

Then, without any other word and before anyone could stop him, Jinhwan was already walking out.

Hanbin glanced at Yunhyeong as if asking for help. “I’ll go,” Yunhyeong said, standing up.

“No,” Jiwon said, making everyone’s heads turn towards direction. “I think Hanbin should go.”

“Hyung—”

Jiwon gave him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. I think you’re the one he needs right now, so go.” He took a step towards Hanbin, leaning in to whisper, “Besides, these are not wolves. I think I’ll be able to handle myself fine here.”

Hanbin resisted, but Jiwon pressed, saying, “Luv, I’ll be okay. Go make sure he’s fine, too.”

Hanbin gazed at him, almost in disbelief. And then his gaze turned soft, shaking his head. “I don’t deserve you, you know that, right?” he whispered. He planted a kiss on Jiwon’s temple, and then grabbed a bottle of beer before heading out to follow Jinhwan.

******

Hanbin found Jinhwan at the far end of the bar, at the spot where the smokers converged. The place was empty except for Jinhwan, who occupied the couch that provided a good view of the city night lights. He was staring at the horizon, and he would’ve looked calm and peaceful if it wasn’t for the deep frown on his forehead.

He approached carefully, not wanting to surprise Jinhwan. “Hey,” he said in a soft voice.

Jinhwan glanced at him, forcing a smile, and then turned to look back at the city lights. Hanbin settled next to him, offering him the beer, and Jinhwan took it, saying a muffled thanks.

The pair lapsed into a spell of silence, punctuated by Jinhwan gulping some of the beer.

“You look good,” Jinhwan said after a while. “I mean, I’ve seen the photos you’ve uploaded, and you look happy in them. But seeing you in person… You look even better.”

“Thanks,” Hanbin said. “And you? I’ve seen your tweets, and you’re really swearing over work. And yet… you’re still here.”

Jinhwan scoffed. “Maybe this year.”

“Until I see it happening, hyung. Until I see it happening,” Hanbin said with a chuckle. Jinhwan smiled a grim smile and tossed back the remaining contents of his beer.

“I didn’t see him,” Jinhwan said, and Hanbin turned to look at him, a frown on his face. “In the crumbs. I didn’t see Jiwon.”

“Oh,” Hanbin said, finally understanding. A ghost of a smile showed on his face. “He asked me about this, too. I’m all over his social media, but he asked me why he wasn’t in mine. At least when started becoming official.”

“When did you start becoming official?” Jinhwan said. Hanbin had already opened his mouth to answer but Jinhwan beat him to the punch. “You know what? You don’t need to tell me. You don’t owe me—”

“Cut the crap, hyung,” Hanbin said impatiently, surprising Jinhwan. “I’m here. We’re talking.” He took a deep breath. “You don’t walk out of a restaurant after you realize who he is to me, and act like you don’t want an explanation,” he continued, calmer this time.

Jinhwan let out a long exhale. “To be honest, I’m not sure I’m ready to hear it.”

“This offer doesn’t last that long, you know. Only up until I’m here,” Hanbin said. “Tonight.”

The older guy turned to look at him, gazing at him for a few moments. “What else do I need to know, Hanbin-ah? He’s your _boyfriend_. Someone who is official. I wasn’t.” Jinhwan shrugged. “Hell, we weren’t, because I was a coward and I lost you. And I thought I only lost you once you were trying to find yourself, fix whatever I broke, but it seemed that now… I actually lost you for good.” Jinhwan took a deep breath, because he all said the past statements in a single breath. “What else is there to explain?”

Hanbin sighed. “Why there is a Jiwon and why the news of him only comes out now,” he said simply. Jinhwan placed his head in his hands, as if running it underwater. Hanbin tentatively placed a hand on the older guy’s back, as if to offer comfort.

“I met him on my sixth month in Phnom Penh, during one of my company’s many events. They were the organizers of the team building. He was persistent. I didn’t want to give my number but… he found ways,” Hanbin started, and underneath his palm, he felt Jinhwan take another deep breath.

“I told him I only wanted to be friends, that I only needed a friend at that point. I was still picking up the pieces, and it was unfair to put somebody in a position where they had to deal with someone who was still healing. To just get a part of you when they deserve all of you,” Hanbin continued. “I just didn’t realize that there are so many ways to heal, you know? And one of them was finding someone like Jiwon.”

“What did he do?” Jinhwan said, his voice gruff.

“He…” Hanbin sighed, smiling as he remembered the last year and a half with Jiwon with his life. “The first thing we talked about was you. He knew you existed from the get-go, and what happened—or didn’t happen—to us. And he didn’t let me off easy or… or treat me nicely just because I was still healing. He didn’t let me hide in my shell to wallow in my misery, but he still knew that I needed time? I… I can’t explain it.”

“He waited you out,” Jinhwan supplied, emerging from his hands, a ghost of his smile on his face.

Hanbin nodded. “Jiwon was selfless,” he continued. “There would be days when I would push him away and he would tell me that no, I have to let people in. I have to let _him_ in, because all he wanted—” Hanbin paused, taking a deep breath—“all he wanted was to be a part of my life. That I have to let him take care of me, because I wasn’t alone now. I have him.”

Jinhwan shook his head. “I told you that, too. To let people in.”

Amusement dawned on Hanbin’s face. “Oh yeah, you did,” Hanbin said, remembering their conversation during that weekend. He sat back, and Jinhwan followed suit. “Jinhwan hyung, I… I’m not going to apologize that I have Jiwon. I love him—he’s probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. He taught me how love should really feel like, that it should grow you and not hinder you. That it shouldn’t hurt more days than you’re happy.”

Hanbin paused, taking Jinhwan’s hand in his. “He made me realize that I was selfish with you, too. That whatever happened with us, part of it was my fault, too. And even that—my first few months overseas. I blamed you a lot and I was very angry with you and…” He gave Jinhwan’s hand a squeeze. “Jinhwan hyung, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry, too, for today. For surprising you with Jiwon. I… hope you didn’t wait for me.”

“Hanbin…” Jinhwan started, swallowing the lump in his throat. He cleared his throat and took three deep breaths, clasping tighter on Hanbin’s hand. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping that you’ll come back to me? But did I think that was too much of a long shot, after all we’ve been though. I wanted you to come back to me because I knew how to love you now. But someone else has shown you. And he’s more worthy to love you.”

They were both speaking in hushed tones, and Hanbin could see the tears welling in Jinhwan’s eyes. “Hyung,” Hanbin said, and Jinhwan smiled at him through his tears. “You know what I also realized while you were away?”

Hanbin shook his head. “During that entire weekend and even the talk we had after that, I realized that I never said sorry for hurting you. I never apologized for not being brave enough to love you.” Jinhwan’s voice broke at the last few words. He used his other hand to brush off the tears that fell on his cheeks. “Maybe saying sorry wouldn’t have made you very angry after you left. And it’s an apology two years too late, but Hanbin, I’m sorry. For everything.”

Jinhwan released Hanbin’s hand, wiping his tears dry with his fingers. He also reached out across to Hanbin, drying the latter’s tears in the same way. He tried to compose himself, but Hanbin knew Jinhwan wasn’t all cried out yet—he was still holding something back.

But then Jinhwan exhaled loudly, as if releasing everything inside him. And then he turned towards Hanbin, giving him a reassuring smile. “Tell Jiwon that I’ll hunt him down if he ever hurts you, okay?”

Hanbin chuckled. “Yes, I will.” He stood up, offering a hand to Jinhwan. “You ready to come back to them or you need another few minutes?”

“I’m good,” Jinhwan said, taking Hanbin’s hand. “Let’s go so I could grill your boyfriend.”

“Hyung…” Hanbin complained, suddenly worried.

Jinhwan gave him a wink, and somehow, Hanbin felt like everything was going to be okay.

******

Hanbin wrapped his arms around Jiwon from behind, clasping his hands around Jiwon’s front. He pressed his cheek against Jiwon’s back.

Jiwon chuckled, leaning against Hanbin and holding Hanbin’s clasped hands. “You okay?” Jiwon asked, and Hanbin nodded, placing his chin on Jiwon’s shoulder. They were in Jiwon’s hotel now, past midnight, as the dinner with Hanbin’s friends ran long—three more hours than the expected time everybody else was supposed to leave, all their deadlines forgotten.  

“Yeah,” Hanbin said brightly. “They liked you, you know? You and your charms. I think they liked you more than they like me. Even Jinhwan hyung was looking at you adoringly.” He pouted, and Jiwon turned his head slightly to kiss him on the cheek.

“Not possible, luv.”

Hanbin returned the favor and pressed his lips on Jiwon’s cheek, kissing him in a messy way that Jiwon started to pull away. “Ya, Kim Hanbin!” Jiwon said, faking annoyance.  

Jiwon turned in Hanbin’s arms, clasping his hands behind Hanbin’s back. “Tomorrow, meet the family?” he whispered.

Hanbin nodded. “You ready for that?”

Jiwon smiled, his lips softly touching Hanbin’s. “Ready for anything, as long as it’s with you,” he whispered against Hanbin’s lips. He closed the very little distance between them, Hanbin smiling throughout the kiss.

\--THE END--


	4. Am I the one your truth's been waiting for?

“Hyung?”

Startled, Jinhwan turned to look at the tall guy standing at the entrance of his cubicle, who appeared to be holding something behind his back. “Junhoe-ah,” he greeted with a sigh.

Junhoe stepped into Jinhwan’s cubicle, his steps tentative. He was careful not to show Jinhwan what he was hiding, thankful that Jinhwan didn’t notice yet. “Are you okay?” Junhoe asked, his voice thick with concern.

Jinhwan opened his mouth to answer, only to close it again, still seemingly at a loss for words at all the events that happened in the past four hours. They had just come back to the office from the dinner where he had met with Hanbin—and his boyfriend Jiwon.

And Jinhwan felt like his world was upended.

After two years away from him and with him just living with whatever ‘crumbs’ Hanbin allowed him to see, Jinhwan was both parts anxious and excited to finally see Hanbin again. He knew Hanbin had been avoiding him the past few times he had went home, and he couldn’t really blame Hanbin on that. Jinhwan knew healing took time—it wasn’t a process that you could expedite just because you wanted to get over the hump.

Putting yourself back together wasn’t an easy feat.  

And Jinhwan tried to understand that. And somehow, he felt that he deserved it, too—all the avoidance—after whatever he had put Hanbin through.

So when Donghyuk said Hanbin was coming for a visit and had asked Donghyuk to check if Jinhwan wanted to come, Jinhwan hoped. He hoped against hope that this was it, this was the time. Hanbin was coming back to him or he was getting another shot at winning Hanbin back. Hanbin had managed to fix the parts he broke and made himself whole again.

But Hanbin did all of that—and found somebody else.

“Hyung…”

Jinhwan blinked, noticing the sadness and worry that now filled Junhoe’s voice.

“You were very quiet when we were walking back. And I can’t blame you… That was—that was… rough. For you,” Junhoe continued, his tone cautious as he sat down on the lone seat in Jinhwan’s office.

“Junhoe, I’m okay,” Jinhwan said with a forced smile. He was still far too shocked to cry about it, and he was still going through everything in his mind, pressing replay every so often, especially when Hanbin said _I hope you didn’t wait for me_.

 _Did I?_ Jinhwan asked himself. _Did I wait for him? Was it waiting if you were merely saving yourself for someone who owns your heart this whole time?_

Junhoe placed what he was hiding behind his back on the Jinhwan’s desk: two bottles of Jinhwan’s favorite Thai milk tea. “I was going to go for hard liquor, but we have work tomorrow, and you have a report to submit so…” He scratched his head sheepishly, and on any other day, Jinhwan would’ve found that adorable—just like how he always had.

“Not that I am in a state of finishing the report, but thanks,” Jinhwan said with a bitter smile. He took one of the bottles and opened it, taking a couple of gulps before sighing. “Thanks, Junhoe-ah. You didn’t have to.”

Junhoe scoffed, as if whatever Jinhwan said was preposterous. “I’m always here for you, you know that, right?”

“I do,” Jinhwan said with a nod, “because you say it and you do it. And I really appreciate that.”

Junhoe smirked. “And then this is the part where you remind me you don’t feel the same way for me, that I’m just a friend.”

Jinhwan glanced at Junhoe to check his expression, and the younger one had an easy smile on his face, teasing him. When Hanbin left, Jinhwan started to get closer with Junhoe, but he did things differently. He was careful with Junhoe, because he didn’t want to make the same ‘mistake’ as he did with Hanbin. He knew which lines to draw and which ones he could cross, and he went by the rules with Junhoe.

Jinhwan was sure he did.

 _But hyung, it’s not your fault if I fall in love with you. It’s my choice,_ Jinhwan remembered Junhoe telling him a year ago, when Jinhwan sat Junhoe down for a ‘talk.’

 _Then make the choice to stop loving me, Junhoe-ah,_ Jinhwan had said back.

And on some days, Jinhwan felt like Junhoe did make that choice—he dated, but nothing ever seemed to work out.

Jinhwan grabbed a piece of paper from his desk, crumpled it into a ball, and threw it at Junhoe, hitting him in the middle of his forehead. Junhoe let out a soft ‘ow,’ picking up the paper, and then throwing it back to Jinhwan, completely missing him. 

And then they both laughed.

After a while, Junhoe thought Jinhwan was still laughing as he had covered his face with his hands. He reached out for his hyung, approaching slowly. Jinhwan resisted as Junhoe tried to pry his hands away from his face, but Junhoe was persistent—prying off one finger at a time, as if playing with a toddler, until he finally saw Jinhwan’s tear-streaked face.

“Do I make you hope, too, Junhoe?” Jinhwan asked, his voice weak. “I don’t want to break you like I did Hanbin. I… can’t break you like I did with him.”

“Oh, god, hyung, no…”

Junhoe slid his chair next to Jinhwan’s, wrapping the older guy in a tight hug. Jinhwan buried his face in the younger guy’s chest, as his sobs racked through his.

“Hyung, how is this about me?” Junhoe said angrily. “You’re the one who got hurt out there. You’re the one who waited for Hanbin hyung and he came back with another guy. You—”

“Junhoe… he… didn’t... tell… me… to… wait…” Jinhwan said in between sobs and gulps of air.

“For heaven’s sake, stop defending him!” Junhoe seethed. “You lost him, too! He was your best friend, and when he left, you lost your best friend and the person that you loved. Did anybody ever check how you were doing all this time?”

Jinhwan’s answer was just a sob, and Junhoe rocked the older guy in his arms. “No, of course not, because all everybody ever saw was that Hanbin was the victim and you were all to blame with all this. But you told him, right? You told him multiple times like you have told me the past year that it’s just friendship. It was Hanbin who kept on confusing things and assuming things. You drew the fucking line and he still kept at it.”

Junhoe took a deep breath, letting it out in a loud exhale. He had kept all these in his head for the past two years and it felt _good_ to release them. He hated how things turned out between Jinhwan and Hanbin—he had rooted for them at the start, but then theirs turned out to be a slow burn for the worse. He watched them, and after a while, he realized that nobody was ever really there for Jinhwan in all of those that transpired.

“I love him. I loved him,” Jinhwan said after a while. He emerged from Junhoe’s arms, wiping his tears and his snot with the handkerchief that Junhoe had offered. “I drew the line, but I crossed it a lot with him because I also did love him. But admit it, Junhoe—I was a jerk, because even if I loved him, I kept telling him I didn’t.”

Junhoe rolled his eyes, still not wanting to give in. “And the Jiwon guy? Did you know?”

Jinhwan shook his head. He eyed the Thai milk tea bottle and drank the rest of it in three gulps. He paused, looking contemplative. “Hanbin seems happy,” he said after a while. “And it’s okay? It hurts like hell but… seeing him and the way he smiles now…” Jinhwan’s voice trailed, and he heaved a sigh. “He used to smile that way around me, too.”

And then he raised his head, gazing at Junhoe. “But he smiles brighter this time.”

Junhoe reached for Jinhwan’s hand and covered it with his. Jinhwan lowered his head, staring at Junhoe’s hand. After a few minutes he slid his hand from under Junhoe’s, taking the small pillow that he kept around for when his back aches, and then placed it on top of his desk. He then laid his head on the pillow, and then reached up, searching for Junhoe’s hand, and placed it on his nape.

Junhoe started to apply pressure with his fingers, some sort of a neck massage, the one that he knew Jinhwan liked. They stayed silent as Junhoe continued his massage, sometimes extending it to his hyung’s shoulders, and then going back to the nape.

“What do you plan to do now?” Junhoe said quietly after a while.  

Jinhwan didn’t reply, so Junhoe thought he had fallen asleep. He removed his hand, but Jinhwan whimpered, making Junhoe smile.

 _Hyung’s such a baby sometimes,_ Junhoe thought.

“I move on,” Jinhwan replied simply, as if it was just as simple as reciting your name and your birthdate. He turned this head to the side, facing Junhoe, who had a small, comforting smile on his face.

And then Jinhwan, eyes soft on Junhoe, repeated the words, this time with more resolve and conviction, and a smile: “I move on.”


End file.
